Under the Aegis: The PACE Model and the Art of Gentle Boundaries
What if the key to better relationships with children in care was playfulness, empathy – and the courage to stay connected during conflict? Discover the PACE model in action in this insightful post.
The PACE model is a therapeutic parenting approach that underpins much of Nikki McCarthy’s work as a Guardian ad Litem with TIGALA, where she has seen how quickly everyday boundaries can become battlegrounds. Especially when children in care are already navigating disruption, mistrust, or loss, everyday routines – like switching off the TV or going to bed – can spiral into conflict.
That’s where the PACE model comes in. Developed by clinical psychologist Dan Hughes, this trauma-informed approach supports adults to parent or care in a way that maintains connection, even in moments of difficulty.
“It’s about parenting in a very attuned way,” Nikki explains. “It gives carers or parents a structure to how they think about attuning in as clear a way as possible for a child or young person.”
What is the PACE model?
PACE stands for:
- Playfulness – bringing warmth, joy, and a sense of fun
- Acceptance – meeting the child without judgement
- Curiosity – wondering about what lies beneath the behaviour
- Empathy – feeling with the child, not just for them
This approach offers a roadmap to hold healthy boundaries while preserving relationship. Instead of reacting from frustration or fear, adults are guided to respond with attunement and clarity – creating the kind of emotional safety that allows children to regulate, reconnect, and grow.
Gentle structure in everyday moments
Nikki offers a simple example: asking a child to turn off the television and go to bed. It’s a moment familiar to many families – and one that can quickly become a power struggle.
Instead of insisting immediately, PACE allows space for flexibility and understanding:
- Playfulness: “Shall we race upstairs and see who wins?”
- Acceptance: “I know you really don’t want to turn it off – it’s a great show.”
- Curiosity: “What is it that’s making it so hard to stop watching tonight?”
- Empathy: “It’s not nice having to stop doing something that’s fun.”
Over time, these responses help a child feel seen and safe, even when they don’t get their way. That consistency, Nikki explains, builds trust and strengthens the caregiving bond.
Supporting carers and advocacy alike
The beauty of PACE is its simplicity. It’s not a rigid protocol – it’s a mindset. For foster carers, it can be a helpful way to normalise daily challenges and maintain calm during stressful interactions. For Guardians ad Litem, it offers a framework for modelling attunement and advocating for relational approaches in care.
“Because you’re using a model that doesn’t get entrenched in ‘you have to…’, and ‘I said…’, and ‘it’s time for bed’,’’ Nikki notes, adding that ultimately it’s about "trying to understand where the child is at" and building on the relationship with understanding.
At TIGALA, we see therapeutic frameworks like PACE as essential tools – not just for carers, but for advocates, social workers, and everyone around the child. Nikki’s reflections are a powerful reminder that it’s not always the big decisions that shape outcomes. Sometimes, it’s how we show up in the smallest moments – with playfulness, empathy, curiosity, and acceptance – that makes the biggest difference.
If you’re interested in how TIGALA supports this kind of reflective, relationship-centred practice, check out our recent post with GAL Val Kerr on training and peer mentorship at TIGALA.
